E's Reviews RETRO: Troll 2 (Warning: Major Spoilers Ahead)

Oh. My. God. What the hell did I just watch...?

Troll 2 is a cult classic horror (...sort of?) film (...sort of?) about a family that goes on vacation to the small town of Nilbog which is the secret kingdom of the goblins who...wait a second here...Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!! Oh, right...uh where was I? Oh yes! The plot! So this family goes to this small town, where they keep saying they’re going to be farmers for a month (and that’s considered a vacation....I guess....) which is the secret kingdom of the goblins (sigh...). These goblins plan to eat this family but not before force feeding them this green stuff that’ll turn them into puddles of green goop because...these goblins (not trolls...long story as to the title of the movie...) are frikkin vegetarians! That’s right! Bloodthirsty monster creatures are frikkin vegetarians!!! GOOD GOD MAN!!!

Anyhow, the film was directed by Claudio Fragasso (working under the name Drake Floyd) and stars Michael Paul Stephenson as Joshua Waits the youngest child, George Hardy as Michael Waits the dad, Margo Prey as Diana Waits the mom, Connie Young as Holly Waits the older sister, Robert Ormsby as the dead Grandpa Seth who only appears for exposition, and Deborah Reed as Creedence Leonore Gieglud the Queen of the Goblins.

I won’t bore you with the fact that this movie is poorly acted, poorly filmed, has a score that can be considered cringy at best, and by far some of the dumbest looking creatures to ever grace a cinema screen. Instead, I’ll go ahead and spoil the entire thing (or at least the best parts) because it’s one of those movies that is so horrendously bad, that it actually becomes one of the funniest experiences you will ever have watching a movie.

The gist of the movie is simple, this family wants to relax, get away from the big city, so they exchange homes with another family for a month. First...who the hell goes away for a month? Don’t the kids have school? Don’t the parents have work? How will you survive without a paycheck for a month? What do these parents do for a living where they can blow off work for a month and keep being paid? They drive around in an old looking minivan so...they can’t be that well off. Also, why does Joshua keep seeing his grandpa everywhere? Is Grandpa Seth a ghost? Is it the kid’s imagination? And why does he keep saying Grandpa Seth instead of just Grandpa??! The night before the big trip, Grandpa Seth tells Joshua all about the goblins and how they’re evil and will trick you, forcing you to eat this green sludge that’ll turn you into...I guess plants...so they can eat you. That’s because these goblins (not trolls...) are vegetarians. Joshua’s mom obviously doesn’t believe him when he says his Grandpa Seth visits him every night and tells him stories “kids will be kids!” and forces him to go to bed. She then checks in on daughter Holly who is bench pressing (why...?) Her daughter has headphones on so she can’t hear her, and so mom closes the door and lets her daughter go back to working out. This scene leads into one of the cringiest and fakest conversations I’ve ever witness in cinema history, and I had to watch it several times because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Holly’s boyfriend sneaks into her room to scare her, and thus begins a dialogue that I can only describe as sounding so obviously faked and forced, that it took me directly out of the movie, culminating in Holly agreeing to letting Elliott join them on the family vacation, as long as he agrees to come alone without his friends, who they keep referring to as “no good.” It also made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself by how horrible the entire encounter was.

We fast forward to daytime, obviously Holly’s boyfriend blew her off to hang out with his friends (who they keep referring to as no good...even though her boyfriend Elliott and his buddies don’t really seem like the bad type...which makes no frikkin sense!!!) so the family leaves without him. We also see that Elliott and his buddies (shock and awe!!!) are in a camper driving to the town of Nilbog to meet up with Holly and her family. Here’s where the only actual horror (for me at least) happens, as Joshua has a nightmare where green fluid is coming from his mouth and his hairline, plants are growing out of his finger tips and he rips his shirt open and thick vines (complete with creepy tentacle wriggling action) are coming from his chest. It was unsettling to watch, mostly because it was a kid. He wakes up and sees a vision of his Grandpa which warns him about Nilbog. Gets back in the van cause no one believes him, and off the family go. And this is when the movie gets absolutely bonkers! The entire town is inhabited by people who are actually goblins in human form. They try to get people to eat food with this weird green stuff on it (apparently that turns you into a plant). Joshua has to think fast to save his family! So...he pees on all their food (and you don’t piss on hospitality!!) Like I said, bonkers.

One by one, Elliott’s friends start getting picked off by the aforementioned goblins, including the most iconic scene in horrible cinema history...the classic “They’re eating her. And then they’re going to eat me. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” scene (I’ll post a YouTube link below for people to see it for themselves). That friend gets turned into a potted plant, which I found friggin hilarious to witness. He just stands there in a big pot of dirt, his body slowly turning into a plant. I cannot make this kind of stuff up...it’s just that silly. Another friend eats a sandwich that the local sheriff gives him (yes, that guy’s a goblin too) and he starts sweating this green fluid. He finds his first friend, the plant man, and tries to rescue him but he’s too weak from the green sandwich he just ate. Little pause here but...look, if the food’s green or the milk is chunky or looks like yogurt...then there’s a good frikkin chance it’s NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. I could not get over how absolutely idiotic every character is in this movie! They’re all dumb as doornails!!! Anyhow, the friend trying to save plant man is discovered by Creedence and she bitch slaps him to...I’m assuming death cause we never see him again. She then transforms herself into a sexy lady while the family and Elliott the boyfriend is trapped in their farmhouse by the townsfolk, and she seduces Elliott’s last buddy with...yep...corn on the cob (“I like popcorn”). She gets on top of him, they start eating the corn on the cob, and then popcorn starts popping up and covering them from everywhere. I....I can’t even...that scene was...what the hell was that...!?

Joshua then gets teleported by his Grandpa Seth (because reasons) to Creedence’s house where she keeps the source of their power, and he’s given a backpack with a secret weapon inside. He’s told to place his hands and concentrate on this stone from Stonehenge (wait...what?) that gives the goblins their power. He gets cornered and...get this...saves himself from the contents in the backpack...a double decker bologna sandwich. These goblins are so vegan, that the sight of the sandwich makes them curse and back away in sheer agonizing terror. F*CKING BOLOGNA!!!! The family then shows up to save Joshua and he gets them to put their hands on the stone, which summons lightning bolts from the sky that kills the goblins and Creedence. They then go back home to the city, everyone kind of goes off on their own except for Joshua and his mom who go into their house. His mom eats an apple (uh oh...) She gets turned into green mush and there are goblins there eating her, Joshua screams, the end. Yay.....

All in all...I cannot consider this a horror film. It’s just not scary. What it is, however, is the kind of phenomenon you find in cinema that just absolutely blows your mind with just how terrible it is. It’s one of those movies that’s so bad, it becomes something you want to watch and has a gigantic fandom. It even spawned a bunch of sequels that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the original Troll film. Hell, the only reason this movie is called Troll 2 is to get people who were fans of the original to watch it (in Europe this movie is called Goblins...makes more sense right?) The movie also spawned a fantastic documentary by Michael Paul Stephenson who played Joshua, about the movie and all the things that happened behind the scenes. If you haven’t seen it, check it out, it’s very very well done.

I can’t give this movie a proper final score. As a horror film, it’s absolutely dreadful (1/10). As a comedy? It’s a damned masterpiece (10/10). I highly recommend checking it out, just so you can free yourself of the curiosity.

And now...the best scene in the movie:

Troll 2: OH MY GOD