E's Journal: Angels and Demons

Honestly I have no idea what I wanted to write about today. I haven't really seen any new movies I wanted to talk about that I haven't already except for Glass and Bumblebee (Glass was ok, Bumblebee was awesome, if you have kids bring them to it ASAP). I also didn't want to release another part of my story (My Other) so soon after the first part. Instead, I'm taking my mentor's advice and just writing for the sake of writing...also because Kirk, Zeke and Beth are cracking the whip and if I don't write I'll be cursed...or something...so I'll just go back to what I talked about last time, and see if I can't explain some more about my psyche.

Before I get into my dark side, let me just say that the outpouring of love and support I got after posting that was intense. I had no idea it would get that kind of a response and I greatly appreciate everything, every word, every DM, and every single one of you who followed or interacted with me on that. It meant a lot and it even helped me heal. I can tell you now that I'm actually in an amazing place mentally. I'm a lot better than I was on that day...and I cannot tell you again how much I appreciate y'all.

But you didn't come here for praise or to hear me talk on and on about how good I feel...you want to know what else is deep inside my mind. Yeah, this might get a bit controversial considering the state of our society, and I want to just say that this was a really dark time in my life and I overcame it. I beat it back. I won. With the love and support of my family and friends, and even more recently all of you readers out there, I kicked it's ass.

My teen years were a literal Hell for me. Bullying was a big problem, as I've stated before. It got really bad for me. There were days I'd spend writing in a journal how I'd kill myself (those pages got destroyed almost immediately), there were days I sat there with a pair of scissors against my chest, crying, trying to push them through my chest or something. There were also times where I actually thought about getting a gun and going through my school, killing all of my bullies one by one (told you this would get controversial...) Of course, I didn't do any of that...which brings me to the point of the title of this journal entry.

My dark thoughts are definitely a by-product of all the bullshit that happened to me. I had a lot of bad things go on during my teen years. I've had a lot of people hurt me. I've been put down, beaten, bloodied, bruised, and it created a darkness in my mind, in my very soul, that I'm convinced that thing I had a nightmare about is feeding on. I haven't seen the Hag (what I'm calling it) since, and it was way different than anything I had ever experienced before. The funny thing is, and I'm sure Zeke and others can attest to this, that there is a positive to every negative...and I think that's why this Hag hasn't come back.

Here's the thing, when I was having those dark thoughts in my teen years, when I was thinking of being a school shooter to get revenge on everyone who had wronged me or hurting myself, I always bounced back. I always dusted myself off, took my licks, and pushed through every issue I ever came across...but it wasn't just my mind going "hey, let's beat this thing" it was more...I felt a light. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like I'm filled with this bright light, an energy, something, that's pushing me up, helping me get through these things every time I come across them. Now, I'm Catholic, so I do believe in God, Jesus, Mary, the teachings of the Bible, everything. So when I thought that this thing, this Hag that was trying to hurt me, put me further down, drain me of energy...and then had people praying over me? Thinking about me? Even sending positive vibes? I could feel it. I could feel the energy, but there was something more that I felt, an Angel of sorts.

I don't really know how to explain this light, this energy, but that positive energy helped me get through that dark day, and every day in the past. I realize that just thinking this way won't heal me (there's no solid way to cure depression) but just knowing I have that kind of support out there? It's inspiring. Sure, I'll still go to that dark place to get story ideas, to get deep into the mind of my killers and monsters that I'll write about, but I'll bring that light with me to protect me from now on. I can't let stupid shit like my past hurt me anymore. I can't allow this Hag or the clawed demon try to bring me down anymore.

Honestly, I think all this is why I'm drawn to the things I am drawn to, like heavy metal, horror films and stories, darkness. I think that demon is latched on, but there's an angel there, too. That light is fighting for me, that positivity is helping me, I just need to let it.