E's Reviews: The Conjuring Franchise (Up Til Now) Rant

Welcome one, welcome all, we're here today to pay homage to a great horror franchise (and by great I mean 3 of them are great...and 2 of them are...ehhhhhhhhh...) This is a franchise that I love with all my heart. A franchise that I've seen every entry (thus far) in cinemas. I've enjoyed the lore, I've enjoyed the villains and the heroes, I enjoyed the family drama and the happy endings (...I mean except for like two of 'em...) The Conjuring Universe (as it's being called now) is one that follows the cases of renowned paranormal researchers Ed and Lorraine Warren. I've known about them since I was young, watching episodes of A Haunting on Discovery Channel, and then doing research about them online and following their cases closely. It's one of those things that got me intrigued by paranormal research in the first place. I do believe in ghosts. Being raised Catholic, I do believe the devil, God, demons and angels all exist. For me, this franchise hits close to home. I do believe some if not most of these events happened (at least in the core films), and I do believe these things, while exaggerated for entertainment, could happen.

But we're not here to talk about what I do or don't believe in! We're here to see me crap all over stuff. To rant about what was not so damn good about this franchise (spoiler, I won't crap all over them...not all of them...at least...) So let's jump right in to the first film...


The Conjuring. As with most good tales of terror involving ghosts, demons, and a family in need, this film starts with a house. A house that's been taken by a demonic entity. A family in peril seeks the help of a couple, one a psychic medium, the other a demonologist, and this couple deal with the drama, the sadness, the horror that this demon is perpetrating, trying to destroy the family. Now, I was never a huge fan of Vera Farmiga (Lorraine Warren) or Patrick Wilson (Ed Warren), but seeing these two on screen together made me a huge fan. They have incredible chemistry together and really did make me believe they were the Warrens. The family in the movie felt like a legitimate family, they did everything a family did, they were close, they seemed to love one another, and it felt like I was watching my own family. James Wan did a tremendous job directing this film, bringing his own flavor of horror that he had crafted and perfected with previous films. The scares aren't cheap, there isn't just loud noises that lead to jumps, and the special effects weren't overwhelmingly CGI. There were some amazing performances, some great practical effects, and some brilliant uses of music and sound that really pulled me into this world Wan had created. I also loved how the film didn't solely focus on the scares, as we saw that the family was a theme that had taken center stage, the demon was just something that was there to try and tear it apart, and by the end of the film I was shocked, frightened, disturbed, and a little choked up (tears, I had mufuggin tears...) It's one of my favorite horror films of all time, and I can't really find any flaws in it... 9.5/10


Annabelle. Ok so here's where things go from amazing...to fucking mediocre. Spinning out of The Conjuring, comes the fictional tale of where the Annabelle doll we saw in the opening parts of The Conjuring. For the record, the real Annabelle doll is a Raggedy Ann doll...not a porcelain collectible. I guess James Wan in The Conjuring thought it'd be more frightening to use something like that instead of a Raggedy Ann doll. I saw the real doll on TV recently, and gotta say it is pretty freaky. Anyhow, this movie was not directed by Wan, instead it was directed by John R. Leonetti and had a cast of actors I didn't really know, but just because we don't really know the cast, that doesn't mean they're bad, right? Before I start crapping on this mediocre effort...let's get to the story. A family with a newborn child are tormented by an evil spirit that inhabits an antique doll, after their home is invaded by Satanic cultists. Ok for the record, that home invasion scene? It's one of the most intense sequences in a film I've ever seen. It kept me on the edge of my seat, it terrified me, and was just so bloody and violent. The problem is...after that, the movie falls fucking flat right on it's cash-grab face. And yes, this movie was a cash-grab. They didn't really care about it...they just wanted to put asses in the seats, throw a few jump scares at you, and make money. That's what this movie felt like. The charm and warmth you felt from the family in The Conjuring was gone, replaced with what I described as cardboard performances. I didn't care about the family at all. There were a few scenes that were terrifying, but fuck, nothing was as intense as that opening sequence. This movie was an absolute failure. And then that ending? What the hell guys...come on...Creepy doll, dark demonic force, and that cop-out is how you end things? Get bent... 5/10 (only cause I love that opening sequence and the scene in the basement was legit freaky).


The Conjuring 2. Oh thank God... James Wan, Vera Farmiga, and Patrick Wilson are back! Oh, how I've missed thee... The charm, the familial love, and the fucked up demons (this time taking the appearance of a demonic MOTHERFUCKING NUN!!!!!) is back in the core film of this franchise. The Warrens this time head to England to help a family in need, whose daughter is being possessed by a demon who has already attacked the Warrens in a previous investigation...the infamous, Amityville house. Ok, let's just get right to it, that demon nun? Fucking scary. Every scene with her in it gave me chills. Just thinking about it now, is giving me goosebumps. Bonnie Aarons did an incredible job making me, and many others, poop our pants with her performance. The child cast was amazing, you could feel the love and the connection each member had. The chemistry was incredible! There were tons of intense sequences that kept me on the edge the entire time, and I had a ton of fun watching this film. There were some things I disliked, however. For one, the Crooked Man? What the hell...you couldn't hire an actor and use some conventional effects instead of obvious CGI? Also, the visions Lorraine had of Ed dying by way of impalement...? Again, horrid CGI effects. Other than that, it's a terrifying film that I loved from beginning to end. I can't really crap on this movie, especially since the demon Valak (in the form of a scary as fuck nun...seriously Bonnie Aarons you're awesome) was downright terrifying every time she appeared. 9/10


Annabelle: Creation. Alright, I went into this film not expecting much. I did see David F. Sandberg was directing, and I was intrigued because Lights Out (both the feature film and the short...by the way the short is freaky) were decent. He seemed like a director that was up-and-coming and that he loved to make really great horror films. So I paid for my tickets, went in, sat down, and holy-fucking-crap...they redeemed themselves with this one, definitely! 12 years after the tragic death of their little girl, a dollmaker and his wife welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home, where they soon become the target of the dollmaker's possessed creation, Annabelle. See...cause they think Annabelle is their dead daughter...but it isn't....surprise! It's a fucking demon! The cast in this film was great, from the nun, to the dollmaker and his wife, the orphans, everything about the cast was fun and they all did an amazing job, so kudos to them. The CGI wasn't overbearing, the conventional effects were great, and the demon? Scary as hell! There were nods to Valak (demon from The Conjuring 2) which tied the two films together, as well as the first Annabelle film. The ending to Creation brings the entire Annabelle story together, and I was loving every minute of it...while screaming like a scared little girl. There are some seriously tense moments in this film that made me sweat and scream. I can't really crap on anything because for real, this movie took the shortcomings of the first entry, burned them to the ground, and gave us something that was made not for a simple cash grab, but was made with love. Sandberg seriously loves his tense horror, and this movie proves he is a master of his craft. 9/10


The Nun. Fuck me...what the fuck happened? Directed by Corin Hardy...we get a forgettable jump scare mish-mash of bullshit. Made, again, as a cash grab, a priest with a haunted past and a novice almost kind of nun on the threshold of her final vows are sent by the Vatican to investigate the death of a young nun in Romania and confront a malevolent force in the form of a demonic nun. So yeah, Bonnie Aarons' Valak is back. Is she scary? Sure. She's fucking scary. But there was so little of her, the tension is almost non-existent. But did I hate this movie? I already wrote a review on it, and going in, I already knew I was a huge fan of the franchise, and the nun herself was fucking scary (seriously, I cannot rant on how awesome Bonnie Aarons is as Valak...) but come on guys... We have this amazing Gothic castle setting, we get a great actor in Demian Bichir to come on board (but his character sucks, an exorcist that doesn't know how to exorcise? Gimme a break...), we have some decent comic relief (I'm one of the few that didn't hate Frenchie, played by Jonas Bloquet) but...come on man....Taissa Farmiga is one of today's talented young actresses. But her lines were delivered so matter-of-factly that I just couldn't cheer on her character. The priest was so useless, I couldn't care less what happened to him. I found myself only wanting to see more of Valak and more of the terrifying castle. And again, like Annabelle 1, this movie opens with an intense sequence of absolute horror...and then fizzles away (THEY ACTUALLY USE GUNS TO FIGHT POSSESSED CORPSES WHAT THE HELL!?) Other than that, this was a trainwreck of a film. It's definitely forgettable, but even then, I have to give it to Bonnie Aarons for her performance, and every sequence which actually featured her, was just so damned scary. If we had gotten 30-40 minutes extra, a proper sequence which connected films (this one connects to The Conjuring 1), and more of Valak...maybe even more of the creepy castle, then this film would've been way more effective as part of this Conjuring Universe. 6.5/10

And that's it. There's my rant on the Conjuring Universe (so far). They already announced Annabelle 3, The Conjuring 3, and even a Nun sequel...so here's hoping James Wan can grab hold of the reins of the universe he's created, and help nurture it into an effective franchise of horror cinema. Until then...stay spooky my friends.